Many of my friends, colleagues, and family members have heard me rant about pity on many occasions. I am very proud of a recent seminar paper I am preparing for future presentation and publication (hopefully) that is titled “Why We Want to ‘Piss On Pity, or How The Ideology of Pity Is a Social Harm to People with Disabilities.” Surely, this blog will serve as a way to test drive many of my ideas about pity, as I try to sharpen them and work them out more fully. One of the main challenges raised every time I mention pity as a harm is the idea that there is something very positive that is closely related to and sometimes confused with pity. This “something” is sometimes called compassion or empathy or sympathy.
While I agree that this something is sometimes linked to pity in our thoughts somehow, I want to argue that this something goes so far beyond mere pity that it becomes its opposite. For the sake of this essay, I will call this something empathy.
While I am not going to take the time to completely lay out my argument for why pity is a harm, let’s start by saying that pity depends on the existence of a harmful power relation and serves as a way of preserving that power relation. For pity to exist, there must be a power inequality between the pitier and the pitiful. Someone must be better off than someone else and look down upon them from a perch of privilege. Pity preserves this set of pre-conditions because it does not acknowledge or work to change this power relation. In fact, pity treats this power relation as inevitable and natural. Responding to someone’s suffering with an act of pity obscures the fact that the root causes of their suffering could be changed. For example, let us say that someone responded with pity to a person with a mobility disability who could not access a restaurant because of a staircase. That able bodied person may express their pity with words of sorrow at the chair user’s horrid predicament at not being able to walk up the stairs. Perhaps, the able bodied person may offer to get a take out order for the chair user. However, these responses do not at all respond to the fact that the chair user could enter the restaurant if it was ramped. Once you make the move to thinking about the problem in this way, you move away from a response of pity and toward a response of justice. A ramped doorway is not an act of pity, but an act that equalizes people’s power status and contributes to considerations of justice.
However, just as an unequal power relation is a pre-condition for the existence of pity, it seems to me that empathy is a pre-condition to the existence of justice. The “golden rule” or the ability to place yourself in the situation of the suffering other in a genuine way (aka empathy) dismantles this power relation. When we are able to authentically imagine ourselves in the situation of the person who is suffering, we recognize that mere pity is harmful and that we must address the power relation itself that has created this suffering.
While talking to a friend who also has dwarfism a few days ago, she told me a story about the first time she meant someone that was homeless and had dwarfism. She was struck by their suffering, gave them a hug, and bought them lunch. The fact that she hugged this man speaks to me that this was an act of empathy and not mere pity. That is, she treated him as a respected friend rather than an other she was looking down upon. Without any prompting, she explained her actions as motivated by a sense that “that could have been me…” She recognized that the injustices in our society create a system where folks with disabilities like dwarfism (and every other kind of difference that would be characterized as disabling) face huge challenges of bigotry that severely limit their flourishing. With these words of “that could have been me…” she recognized that it was a matter of chance that she was born into a family that had the disposition and the means to not turn her over to the state for a life of institutionalization. The chance of her circumstances allowed her to join Little People of America and gain access to a network of support and eventually get a college degree so that she would not face the same suffering of this man on the street. My friend recognized that it was an accident of fate that positioned her to help this man in the way that she could and that this was a matter of injustice. This friend has developed a perceptive empathy for these kinds of situations and these experiences have moved her to become involved in the disability movement and pursue a law degree so she can address these matters of injustice head on. I think her desire to fight for and with the most marginalized folks with disabilities all comes back to her ability to say “that could have been me…”