PhilosopherCrip

I had too much caffeine and can’t sleep after spending the bulk of the last 2 days driving my van from CT to MI.  I was visiting my friends and family over MSU’s winter break for almost 3 weeks and I am now gearing back up for the beginning of another term of studying and teaching (the completion of my 22nd consecutive year of education — 3 more to go).  While I was “home” and in the car, I spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly constitutes a home.

The Waterbury Clock Tower in CT

I think I am starting to think of both CT and MI as a home of sorts, but for different reasons.  For me, CT is home because it is where the people are who know more of me than what I choose to show.  That is, going to college, starting grad school, and becoming involved in the crip community were all big turning points in my life, but they all offered me opportunities to redefine myself and present myself to a new audience as I wanted to be seen.  Surely, people see more of us than we deliberately show them, but starting over and moving half way across the country does offer a person a measure of control over how they are perceived.  Aside from experiencing the old familiar sights, sounds, scents, and tastes, this home (CT) offers me a reminder of  “where I am from.”  It is all too easy to forget your most formative experiences and relationships to the world around you when you move away from the people that know you in that context.  An old parish priest, a high school English teacher, or a college buddy can rip you out of the comfortable self image you have created and promoted for yourself, confronting you with your past self and reminding you of the responsibilities you owe these people for helping you build this creation you call your life.

The MSU "S" and Sparty the mascot

Yet, part of me feels that MI is “home.”  This is because I feel this is a life that I have very actively chosen to live.  I absolutely miss the comfort of having my family and friends around and the emotional and practical support structure that entails.  I desperately miss the feeling of absolute, unconditional love so willingly offered by my immediate family and closest friends.  However, walking through the door of this tiny dorm room that seems absurd for a 26 year old man with a masters degree to be living in, I am reminded by everything that this is the life I have deliberately made for myself.

Physically, everything is at my fingertips.  I imagine many able bodied folks take this sort of thing for granted, but my crappy little dorm room is custom designed in many ways so that I am much more comfortable in it than someone with “normal” bio-physical functioning would be.  In CT, this is not the case and I have to be much more dependent on others for an entire range of tasks.  Even the geography of my living space itself speaks to the notion that this is MY life that I have chosen to live how I will.  Of course, this only scratches the surface of how MI has become home because it has become the place that I live with the most self determination.  This is something over and above making your own choices, but involves actually determining your actual self. This is a challenge for any person I am sure, but for a crip who often finds that he doesn’t quite fit into the set of molds society has caste and tried to squeeze him into, the opportunity to break free and deliberately choose a life is a beautiful thing.  This is the core of the independent living ideology as I understand it.